“And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.”
Revelation 12:11 ESV
I have felt for some time that God wanted me to share my testimony. He was especially patient in giving me time to come around to this command. By patient I mean that it took me weeks to even accept that I would have to share so much of my life. While there are some things that I am willing and even eager to do quickly this was not one of them. My testimony involves my biggest hurts and my biggest mistakes. Although many years have passed since these experiences, they can still be difficult to discuss. God knows better than anyone that I prefer privacy but it seems He intends to use my life as evidence of His grace and redemptive power. Like I continue to trust Him in all things I will trust Him in this too.
As a warning, my testimony involves some experiences some may find triggering.
I cannot remember a time when I did not believe that God the Father existed. I did however deeply despise Him. At an age that I cannot remember for an amount of time I also cannot remember I was sexually abused by my neighbor. When I became old enough to fully recognize that what had happened was very wrong, I began to hate a God that allowed it. Unknowingly, this experience created in me many bad habits, dysfunctional thinking, and a deep mistrust of everyone. PTSD, depression, anxiety, secret keeping, a rebellious attitude, and pretending all became an everyday part of life at a very young age. Additionally, in my young mind I believed everyone regarded this person well adding to my secret keeping. I thought no one was on my side.
Fast forward to 14 and (without the permission of my parents) I started “dating” someone. This relationship would turn into a four-year nightmare. I do hope this person is well and will receive Christ’s salvation (Romans 10:9). However, this individual, much like me, had some unhealthy habits but from a very dysfunctional home-life. These habits would be made more apparent over the next four years. At 16 this individual cheated on me which was obviously very hurtful and unknowingly created in me even deeper levels of dysfunction. Despite my better judgement I did forgive and get back together. Although I was not the one to cheat, he began to become very jealous, distrustful, and manipulative in fear that I would “pay him back” by cheating. This behavior became increasingly emotionally abusive. My phone would be checked, my stories constantly scrutinized for any lies I might be telling, my clothing choices criticized, etc. Eventually the abuse peaked with a physical event. Shortly after that experience we broke up while I was living 45 minutes away at college. There was some minor stalking behavior with this person checking my emails and showing up unannounced and uninvited to my dorm. Nearly my entire high school friendship group remained friends with him but did not maintain friendship with me. Again, subconsciously, I thought no one was on my side.
To make matters worse, the very next dating relationship I found myself in also ended poorly. I found out that this individual was dating someone else at the same time. I did not realize it then but a narrative had fully formed in my mind. Something I believe sounded like, “No one is putting me first, no one cares about me, why should I care about anyone else. I can play the game too.”
God has kindly given me language for the way I operated in the relationships to follow. “Sins committed against us can become the sins we commit against others”-Jackie Hill Perry.
At this point I often found myself in dating relationships. Unfortunately, I became the cheater having little regard for anyone else’s feelings and genuinely no remorse. It was as if my conscience was turned off in this area. What I would call “the dating culture” was a cover up I would use if ever I did feel like I was in the wrong. “Everyone” dates like this, talks to multiple people, keeps secrets, and withholds bringing their full self to the relationship. While I do believe there was truth to the rationalization from a social circle aspect, it certainly did not make the way I was behaving acceptable. I was hurting others without their knowledge and unknowingly hurting myself too.
At around 22 was the first time I actually heard the gospel in its entirety. Until that point, I did not know anything about Jesus, His nature, the purpose for His death on the cross, or His desire to have a close, every day, intimate relationship with me. I had only ever known God was real, in control, and distant. I had come to understand that He was good but that revelation did not lead to any significant changes in my life or my posture toward Him. I do not remember the date that I gave my life to Christ but I do remember the supernatural feeling of Holy Spirit entering my heart. I remember feeling instantly different, in my mind and my heart. That first encounter with God set my expectations of Him very high.
The individual who shared the gospel with me also desired to date me. I did not know initially that he was married. After I found out I was told that they were separated but still living together. I imagine that because he was a Christian and I was grateful to him for sharing the gospel with me that I trusted him. By the time I found out that he was lying about their separation I felt as though I was in too deep to be the one to walk away. Looking back, I can see the way my thinking was warped but I was still guilty of hurting a woman who deserved better.
My biggest regret is that the cheating and secret keeping did not end until after the first year of dating my now husband.
I imagine you cannot see God in any of this but we often do not see Him working until we look backwards. I’ll explain.
In (I think) 7th grade, while at a catholic afterschool program, I heard a teacher give her testimony about terrible abuse she suffered and how she was able to forgive her abusers and experience freedom thanks to God. After briefly discussing the topic with her I experienced a supernatural ability to forgive my neighbor. I did not know it at the time but that was a gift God gave me despite the fact that I frequently “cussed him out” after these classes. The freedom I experienced thanks to being able to forgive my neighbor made having to continue to see him almost daily until he died much more bearable. The deep hatred I felt towards him became pity for such a sad existence he must have experienced. Forgiveness freed me from the weight of hatred and my mind no longer wasted time imagining endless scenarios of punishment.
At the time, my abusive high school relationship seemed to me further evidence that my life would always be lived with an undercurrent of misery and hopelessness. I truly felt trapped in darkness with no chance of escape and no light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel I was in. He had become my whole life and it felt as though my identity was chained to our relationship. Attending a college 45 minutes away that I did not graduate from and would have to eventually transfer out of saved my life. I am fully convinced that God used the physical separation to give me courage and perspective to see that I did not have endure that relationship any longer. As I continued to make friends and enjoy the distance from the dysfunction, I could finally see how I could make a clean break. The night we broke up felt like the first breath of fresh air in years. There were still many years after of needing to heal and discover what healthy relationship dynamics were, but I was free.
Having nearly my whole friend group sever ties with me at the end of our senior year of high school was devastating and disorienting at the time. However, God has since revealed to me that He was the one to orchestrate that. I have come to realize that if I were still connected to them, I would also still be connected to my ex. Also, I would have been stuck as the person I was in high school making growth and maturity more difficult. God needed to separate me from them to get me to this place over time. A place where I am free to be who God has called and shaped me to be. A place where who I was becoming did not have to contend with who others might have thought I was and would possibly always be.
God also separated me from the individual who shared the gospel with me when I could not. My warped thinking created in me a loyalty to him that I could not bring myself to break. He had a narrative that “everyone leaves me and you will too.” I have since worked out in therapy why that narrative led me to stay involved even when I wanted to end the relationship. I had a narrative that I am not first, precious, or worthy of loyalty but I decided that I would not make anyone I cared about feel that way. Even though I knew better I could not bear falling into his list of “everyone.” While that severance did hurt at the time it was evidence again of God taking care of me by freeing me from the situation.
When God commanded me to confess everything to my boyfriend (now husband), I thought He was separating me from him as well (which I would have deserved). Instead, I received forgiveness and no longer had to operate with the nagging fear in the back of my mind that if he only knew he would want nothing to do with me. He is incredible and God used him to be the beginning of my healing and God’s redemptive power. Additionally, I perceived that his immediate and complete forgiveness was also an earthly representation of God’s forgiveness towards us. I was shocked, amazed, and grateful. Confession to and forgiveness from Kevin began what has become an avalanche of unpacking 20 plus years of trauma, secrets, mistakes, and thinking that I was healed on my own. Freedom again.
When the possibility for my sister to move in to my neighbor’s house came up, I prayed that God would block it. Instead, God promised me that I would “dance where I cried.” I adamantly begged Him to leave this alone. I did not want to ever have to face that house again especially on such a regular basis. It was a kindness that He let me know ahead of time that she would move into that house. When she did, I spent the next few weeks deeply depressed. Everything I unknowingly pressed down was brought to the surface. All the healing I thought I had in that area was shown to be almost nothing at all. I began therapy and by God’s grace was able to start being in that house for longer and longer stretches of time. Therapy was life changing and helped me tremendously. The house became just a house and I have experienced tremendous healing from PTSD that still lingered. A few weeks before my wedding I was dancing with my nieces in the living room that was the source of my nightmares. More freedom still.
When God commanded that I discuss the abuse with my parents I begged Him again to leave it alone. He did so by telling me, “It was time to clear the air.” I was stunned at the words He chose and thought He was being so callous. Sometime after the abuse ended, I had a conversation with the girl who lived on the other side of our house. I warned her that he was unsafe and must have shared what he did to me. She told her father who told my mother. Next thing I know we are at a police station and I am talking to two detectives. I had made peace with the situation believing that my parents did everything right but that the detectives we spoke to convinced them that I was lying. While I was fighting the Lord on obeying, He added, “relationships that had once been foggy under a blanket of misunderstanding can miraculously become as clear as a morning after a rainstorm.” This left me very confused but I finally submitted to His will. Our conversation proved to be exactly as God said. My young mind did not realize that misunderstanding was responsible for thinking they did not believe me. They actually just did not know. Now as I recall the conversation with the detectives, I can see clearly that they had never actually asked me about abuse. I had lived up until that point under the crushing weight of a false narrative. At the right time, God saw it fit to set the record straight in so many ways. My entire worldview was reorientated with the truth. Freedom again.
While God does not always prevent things from happening, He is faithful to bring us through, bring us healing, and use our experiences to help others. I can honestly say I would not change the early trauma even if I could. When I became the one committing sins against others, God remained faithful, patient, persistent, and good to me. He led me through the process of confession and repentance over and over again until every lie and mistake were brought to light (1 John 1:9). Hebrews 12:5-6 tells us that God disciplines the children that He loves. While the process He led me through often felt excruciating and humiliating, afterwards I always felt free, washed clean, and grateful.
Confession, vulnerability, and transparency also brings us into deeper relationship with others. When we share our hurts and regrets, we give other permission to do so as well without fear of embarrassment or shame. We build stronger bonds and become a haven of each other in times of weakness and uncertainty. James 5:6 tells us to confess our sins to one another and to pray for one another so that we may be healed. Secrets make us sick and leave us isolated and unknown to the ones we desire to feel closer to. Confession grants us freedom and healing, and gives us greater intimacy with the people who desire to love us well and know us fully.
The word of our testimony has tremendous power. As the anchor verse at the beginning states, we are saved by our testimony about Jesus. His saving power is not just for eternity but for life on earth as well. I struggled to share my testimony so plainly and publicly for fear of experiencing from others pity and shame. There was a time when my body would shake and my voice would tremble detailing some of these experiences. Miraculously, that is no longer the case. It is no surprise to God of course, but I have learned that sharing my testimony lessens the pain of any trauma I have experienced. Admitting my failures also robs shame of its power to make me feel disqualified or unworthy of receiving any good thing God delights to give me (Matthew 7:11). Jesus’s desire for every one of us is to have a full, satisfying life (John 10:10). That begins by bringing to Him everything we believe must stay buried in our minds.
Most importantly, sharing our testimony provides evidence to others with similar stories of God’s love for His children and His redemptive power. There is nothing I want more than to be used by God for His glory and for the benefit of my fellow image bearers. God has many times before used someone else’s story to encourage, correct, or convict me. That person’s boldness helped me to see how God moves and gave me hope that my life would improve despite my mistakes. I was able to take courage to follow God’s lead even when I did not want to, which I have never regretted. My prayer is that you would be blessed and encouraged by my story. If you are battling shame, living in the consequences of someone’s sin against you, or struggling to trust God with your next step, be encouraged that you are not alone. He can make everything we experience work for our benefit if we allow Him to (Romans 8:28). God is faithful and He loves you too much to leave you unhealed. Trust Him with your story and prepare to be amazed at what He will do (Ephes 3:20).
