“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you: I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 ESV
There was never a time in my life that I did not believe in God. Perhaps this belief was due to my devout Catholic grandma. A visit with her seldom lacked mention of our Heavenly Father. My parents also believe in Him, though I would not categorize them as religious. When they did make mention of Him it was always in a positive light and my dad was the first one to attempt to share the gospel with me. At a young age my mother signed me and my siblings up for CCD, a one night a week catholic school of sorts. There I learned more about our Creator and His love for us. While I cannot remember not trusting in His existence, I do distinctly remember many years of despising Him.
As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I could not reconcile a God that loved me with a God that allowed me to be harmed. There were many dark years between the abuse ending and the giving of my life to Jesus Christ. During those years joy was far from me and I thought simply surviving would always be my story. However, looking back I can remember feeling a divine tug pulling me along. This invisible pull gave me hope for a future that would be better than the past and the present even though I could not put a name on it at the time. Now, eight years into my Christian-walk, I can name that thing that I was fastened to. It was to Jesus Christ, my savior, that was gently pulling me along. It was to Him that I was tethered.
I was twenty-two when Holy Spirit came upon me and I became a temple for our living God. Prior to that moment I had been slowly making my way towards a true relationship with God. I had not yet read the bible and God was still largely made up of who I thought He was instead of who His word reveals Him to be. I had even had a little cross tattooed on my wrist as an outward expression of belief and a reminder to myself to consider Him in all things. I was both fully assured of the goodness of God the Father and completely ignorant of Jesus Christ the son. All those years of CCD and I cannot remember clearly hearing the gospel. It is possible that my ears were closed to receiving it due to the grief and rage in my heart towards God. It is also possible that the teachers who kindly volunteered their time to teach made the same mistake that a surprising percentage of believers make today. Many assume that everyone in a church setting knows that Jesus died for us in order to restore us to a right relationship with God the Father (John 3:16).
I was working as a waitress when I met the person who would be the one to share with me the gospel in its fullness. He was a regular and was bold enough to start a conversation with me about Jesus. I cannot remember the date, time, and details of the conversation but I do remember being surprised at how little I really knew. For example, I truly believed that everyone on Earth would go to heaven having been forgiven of their sins committed on Earth (Romans 10:9). I even believed that my abuser was forgiven and must surely be in heaven. I imagine this belief came from a revelation in my heart that God was truly good, however, I did not yet understand that He was also just (1 John 1:5/Deut 32:4). While it was difficult to accept that only those who accept Christ will be in heaven, I felt encouraged that God does actually care about justice. I had not yet understood that there are eternal consequences for our actions on Earth. I do not know whether my abuser made a confession of faith but I do know he will have to give an account for his actions before God, as we all will (Romans 14:12; 2 Corin 5:10). I also really knew next to nothing about Jesus, a fact that still amazes me today. The significance of the cross was lost on me and it would be many years later before my heart would be broken for what He endured for me.
After having many of my misconceptions revealed and corrected, I was still left with reservations that kept me from going all in. At the time and in some ways still now, I greatly struggled with rebellion towards authority. I despised being told what to do (job requirements aside), was deeply mistrustful, and wanted to be the only one in charge of any aspect of my life. God is our greatest authority (to put it mildly) and perhaps I knew that going all in meant surrendering everything to Him which still felt very unsafe (Deut 11:13). This fact opened the door for my first supernatural encounter with God and the moment that changed everything. I do not remember how I came across it but I distinctly remember being in the bedroom of my college apartment when I read the C. S. Lewis quote God would use to get my “yes”.
“God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there.”
- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
In an instant, every reservation or fear or argument I had against giving God my all vanished. God knew this quote would answer all the questions I still had for Him (Psalm 44:21). In my rebellion I thought that I could be self-sufficient (I often still do). After reading that I understood that it simply made no sense to try to do life without Him. In that same moment I felt Holy Spirit come upon me (Acts 1:8). I do not know if I realized in that moment what had happened but looking back I can remember feeling completely different. My first encounter as a new creation set the tone for my life with Christ. My expectations were set that God was a God who knew how to answer the questions we cannot always articulate. That He was a personal God who could speak directly to us. Perhaps most important was that He was a God who still allowed us to experience the supernatural through Him.
Since that day, I have had many amazing, miraculous, and incredibly hard days with the Lord. I have learned and experienced more than I could have ever possibly imagined. In my zeal for the Lord, I prayed that I might become a “100-fold Christian” (Matthew 13:23). I wanted and still want to be used by Him and for Him. In my inexperience, I had no idea what I was really asking. I have come to a season of my walk where I have been severely tested and prepared to become effective for the kingdom (Ezekial 36:9). This season was an answer to that prayer and a story for another time.
My hope for this blog is to encourage, inspire, and educate anyone navigating their Christian-walk. Beginning something like this has been on my heart for a long time and in 2023 the Lord made clear it was time to begin. I will be sharing all the revelations and wisdom the Lord has given to me in hopes it will be helpful to you. My life, disappointments, mistakes, and victories will be used to illustrate His redemptive power, instruction, sovereignty, and faithfulness. I pray you will find this to be a resource that will bless you and encourage you the way so many other resources have been a blessing for me.
